Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
