You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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