Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
