How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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