I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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