Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
