its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
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