just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
