Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
