It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
