Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
