i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
