so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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