I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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