You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
