PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
