you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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