went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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