I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
