Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
