Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
