A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
