i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
