I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
