Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
