its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
