So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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