see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
