don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
