Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
