i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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