I feel great
I just peed on a car
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
