Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
