So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
