this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Randomize
