theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
