cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
