we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
