Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
