So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
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