of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
