: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
