Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Buhtt sex?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
