yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
