Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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