so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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