i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
