Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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