I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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