guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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